Fire in Clinton Campaign Headquarters Destroys Tax Returns

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (BorowitzReport) -- A blazing fire that ravaged Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters in Terre Haute, Indiana, destroyed more than just the building, campaign officials revealed today.

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said that the 2007 tax returns of Mrs. Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, went up in flames along with everything else.

In fact, according to a spokesman for the Terre Haute Fire Department, the tax returns may have been ignited first, setting off the conflagration that burned the building to the ground.

"Based on our initial investigation, it looks like gasoline was poured all over the tax returns and then set ablaze," said THFD spokesman Tracy Klujian. "Whoever did this has experience in destroying records."

While the Terre Haute police have yet to name any suspects in the inferno, an eyewitness to the fire said he saw a "person in a yellow pantsuit with black trimming" fleeing the building moments after the campaign headquarters caught on fire.

At a press conference in Pittsburgh, Mrs. Clinton said that the incineration of her tax records was "a great personal loss," adding, "I was so looking forward to sharing them with the American people."

Mrs. Clinton cut her press conference short after a protracted coughing fit, complaining of smoke inhalation.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.